I normally write and talk in celebration of great food—praising the burst of flavours that brought joy to my day, waxing poetic about how the $50 I spent on my last meal was truly worth it (waxing poetic = desperately justifying). Today however, was NOT a day to celebrate food. In fact, each meal of the day was truly horrendous, most likely an accumulation of bad karma for patronizing every over-priced biodynamic, rain-fed, non-GM, fair-trade, gluten-free, vegan meal I’ve ever had.
1) Breakfast: the millet bread that I keep in the freezer had gone off. I didn’t realise this until I took it out of the toaster and took one bite. It tasted like stale, chalky bread. Oh wait a minute, it WAS stale, chalky bread!
2) Morning tea: I swear I will never set foot on Cafe Rosamond again. I had such a bad experience that I set-up an account on Urbanspoon, wrote a bad review, and clicked the “don’t like this” button enough times to bring their rating down from 92% to 89%. Below is what I wrote:
Boring and awful service
by pebrero (1 review)
Went there on a Saturday morning and was sorely disappointed… boring menu, boring music, boring decor (the quirky little knick knacks have been done to death in cafes around Melbourne) and most of all, bored and pretentious staff. On top of all of that, there were three people who ordered after me who got served first.
If I could give it a rating lower than “Doesn’t like it”, I would.
3) Lunch: I heard rave reviews about Fatto a Mano’s organic pizza, so I went and bought myself a vegetarian gluten-free slice. It was pretty much what you’d expect from a veg pizza, but the cheese they used probably had a gazillion things that didn’t agree with my super-sensitive gut. So my super-annoyed brain instructed my super-swift hands to throw the rest of it away in the bin.
4) Afternoon tea: In a sorry attempt to share my love of food with others, I decided to bake brownies for my yoga friends. And in an even sorrier attempt to make it “healthy”, I decided to make it with coconut flour which I had never baked with before. Feeling cockily confident about my baking skills, I grossly miscalculated the proportions of flour and ended up with a thick, gluggy mess that tasted of raw dough. My rubbish bin was happily devouring the growing mound of unwanted food.
5) Dinner: At this point, I was well aware of the pattern of unpalatable horror, so I cautiously decided to make roast veggies for dinner. What could go wrong with roast veg? Plenty. Not enough seasoning, sweet potato wasn’t sweet enough, olive oil tasted weird.
One word: Ugh.